For once I'm going to talk about life issues on here. I know, surprising.

It's just, I can't find anyone to talk to online, and I don't want to talk on the phone because I'm in a small house right now and I'd be overheard. So I've just decided to write on here so it has somewhere to go.

Well, I've been at my mom's house for less than a day and she's already gotten worked up about something really stupid. If you know me well, you know that I hate my mom and I hate coming to her house every other freakin' weekend. There's a lot of things that come together to give me my opinion of her, but the thing I'm talking about now is how easily she overreacts. Seriously, I can't even hold a simple, civilized conversation with her because any small, harmless thing I say will start a fight. It's gotten to a point where I just don't really talk to her anymore. It's a very visible barrier between us, and I wish I could end it, but there's no way to. It's just not worth it anymore. How can I have a conversation with her when any conversation we have will end in a fight? It's not like I say anything bad. I talk the way I would to anyone else. It's not like I'm being sassy, rude, or condescending. I'm not cussing or putting her down or trying to tick her off. But somehow, for whatever reason, she decides to set off a bomb over something truly meaningless.

Let me give you today's example so that you can see what I'm talking about here. At about 1:00, I decided to get something to eat, so I grabbed a leftover biscuit from breakfast and sat down next to my brother on the couch. Everyone was there in the living room -- my brother, my mom, and I -- so Mom took the opportunity to talk to us about the grocery shopping we needed to do for the week. When we were talking about lunches, I threw in that I'd like to get some peanut butter. Mom told me that there was some peanut butter still in the pantry, and I replied with that it had gone bad. And then you could just feel the darkness come over like a cloud.

Mom insisted that it had not gotten bad, that it was a very recent jar and was fine. I knew for certain that it was the same jar I had eaten and gagged over a couple of weeks ago, so I insisted that it had, indeed, gone bad. At this point thoroughly annoyed, she went to the pantry, got the jar, smelled it and claimed it was fine (which, although I didn't say this because it would incite her more, her claim isn't really reliable because smokers have a diminished sense of smell). She then came over to me and thrust the jar into my face, ordering me to smell it. Of course, it smelled really off-color, and I told her so. She then thrust it in my brother's face, who just plain refused to smell it because he's never liked the smell of peanut butter anyway. So, she gave a heavy sigh, grumbled under her breath a bit, and stomped back over to the pantry to toss the jar back in. She then began cleaning dishes, the whole time grouching off about how it was a "perfectly good jar of peanut butter," and how I'd just have to "live without peanut butter" because there was no way she'd "spend so much money to buy a new jar." After that, she went out for a smoke, and I grabbed an apple and came back to the guest bedroom to vent on dA.

There have been so many times we've gotten into arguments about little, simple things like these. This is just one of many. It seems like we get into fights like these at least once every weekend we see each other. Over time, I've noticed specific instances that will set her off unconditionally: I can never mention to her anything about smoking, the uncleanliness of the house, the fact that the windows are always closed and the blinds are always shuttered, if some food or drink has expired, or anything about my dad and my stepmom (because apparently I think that Gerri is my true mom and I love her more than anyone else now). I also can't make any food/drink myself. If I try to make something to eat for breakfast or get my own drink while the table is being set up, she will block my entry into the kitchen, ask me what I want, and force me to sit down while she goes and gets it for me. And it's especially offensive when I try to get a side to go with something. In particular, I don't like to eat only sweet breakfast foods like pancakes/doughnuts/waffles/etc. in the morning because I'll feel like I have no energy later in the day. So, I always try to get an apple or granola or something like that to eat on the side. But if I do this while it's Mom I'm eating with, she'll get SO offended; I have to eat only what she cooks.

It's overbearing, living in a small, dark, nasty household with a woman who will be set off by literally anything without warning. It's absolute torture when I have to spend an entire month here in the summer. And it's even more torture than that because, when I am at her house, she expects me to be chained here with handcuffs. I can't do anything that's not with her. I can't hang out with friends while I'm supposed to be hanging out with her. The way she sees it, if I'm supposed to be "spending time" with her, I'm never to leave the house. So I have to spend half my summer in a dark, small living area that's cold and smells like smoke and has mold and feces everywhere, and right alongside a woman who I just CAN NOT get along with. If you guys were wondering why I didn't do hardly anything productive with art over the summer, well, you know why. I was trapped in here for almost the ENTIRE summer and felt glazed over, totally uninspired to do anything.

Honestly, my mother scares me. I'm afraid that one day she'll become abusive. It feels so tangible, the way I'm always setting her off. I can just imagine her getting a little too frustrated one day and becoming violent. I'm tired of living with all of the stress my mom creates. I'm tired of having to come to this house, of trying futilely to avoid conflict with her, of suffering her yelling and verbal abuse, of dealing with her "pity me" attitude and fearing the influence of cigarette smoke. All of this is starting to take a toll on my mental health, which is the least I need when I'm already trying to deal with two phobias I've had since I was 11 -- one of which is a fear of drugs and alcohol, ESPECIALLY smoking tobacco, and so obviously coming to a house that smells like cigarette smoke doesn't help at all.

Listen, I appreciate anyone who's read this, even if the whole time it was a drag. I've never liked talking about things like this publicly on dA, but well, I just, I dunno, sometimes I just can't deal with things anymore and I have to take them to where people are. I don't mean to give a broken record soap opera, especially since there are those less fortunate than me, but I suppose that just because I'm not the least fortunate person in the world doesn't mean that I can't reach out for some much-needed affection every once in a while. I really love you guys and appreciate any words you'll give.

Dragon-Face ~<3