If you would like to be a part of my feature journal, please visit this link: [link]

Hey, guys. Something has been going on among my friends for so long that I don't know what to think of it anymore. I just want to write a short journal about it.

Since I was 13 or 14 years old, I've had 3 friends (names undisclosed for privacy) break down and tell me how jealous of me they are. I've been told that they want to draw like I do. I've been told that they want to write like I do. I've been told that they want to play music like I do. I've been told that they want to be as smart as I am. I've been told that they feel like they are not worthy of me, that I am so much better than them, that I am too good for them, that I am almost perfect. Maybe these could be complements. But all they do is hurt me.

It almost drives me to insanity. It hurts to think that someone would hate their own life and skills and wish to have mine. It hurts to think that someone is belittling themself because I'm just going about my life and perfecting the talents of mine I enjoy the most. I draw, write, make music, and learn because I enjoy it. I just want to be the best I can be at these things I love, just like anyone else. So why do people have to hurt just because I want to excel at my passions? Is it a curse?

I don't want to hurt people! I want them to enjoy their lives and who they are. I want them to appreciate their own talents and their own skill level. To think that someone would want to be someone else has always been a stake to the heart for me, but...to think that someone would want to be me? I never thought it would ever happen. But now that it's happening, it's tearing me apart with fear and sorrow.

I've considered going to extremes to stop it. I've considered deleting my dA account and never drawing again. I've considered dropping out of band class and selling my clarinet. I've considered burning all the pieces of paper I've written my soul out on. I've even considered falling out of AP classes, taking regulars and purposely failing them. I've never done these things because I love doing what I do and being who I am. But sometimes, the reality of all these things becoming true is so close I can reach out and touch it.

I've tried to sway my friends' thoughts. Maybe sometimes it works, but other times it only leads to calamity. I don't want to lose my friends because they're jealous of me. That's like a nightmare become reality. I don't want anyone to be jealous of me, it's painful to sit here and know that their jealousy very much a truth.

I think this whole ordeal is taking a toll on my mental health. Sometimes it's good -- I mean, the fact that people apparently love my art so much must mean that I'm better than I've always thought I am, right? (I'm still not really that great though OTL.) But other times, it just chips away at my mind. I've associated bad feelings with succeeding. I look at the pieces in my gallery that I'm the most proud of, that filled me with such pride and happiness when the finished product was put onto paper, and I realize that it's those drawings that strike the most fear in me. Whenever I look at pictures like "Smile for the Camera" or "Freefalling" or "Milky White" or any of those other pictures that have gotten the most attention by viewers and are personally my favorites, there's this off-color thought in the back of my mind that tells me to hide the drawing, to destroy it and forget about it. That there's nothing great about it, it's only a sin and a weapon used to draw blood from the people I love the most. It's the same with writing. I don't write as much as I used to, and I hardly show the things I write to anyone anymore. And band? Whenever I tell someone I'm in the Wind Ensemble, an instinctual feeling rises in my chest that tells me to run and hide before any bad can happen.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I want all of this to just stop, but I don't know how to go about it. What do you guys think about all this?